I've only shared this blog with one person so I am sure that I am writing to myself. If anyone has found this on their own and wants to send a shout out, I'd love it.
So where to start? Gosh, I feel like I am on the biggest roller coaster ever! You know it's been years of ups and downs in marriage and feeling like I wanted to get off, to end the cycle, whatever you want to call it. But THIS, what I've been going through since separation is SO MUCH WORSE! One day, one hour, one moment I feel on top of the world, so strong, so capable, and so OKAY! And then the next it is the complete opposite. I just want to be done with the sadness. I've been told it will lessen, that it is fewer and farther between and I hope those people are right. Happiness is a choice they say and ya while I agree on many levels, sometimes it is just so damn hard to make that choice.
Regrets....I wish I would have tried harder, I wish I would have cared more, I wish my children didn't have to suffer because after all they are the biggest losers here. And oh my ANGER. I am so pissed at him for doing this to our family. Yes I played my part.....I wronged him many times and I am sorry for it. I'm just so angry and so sad because I felt like just when we were starting to break through, to actually practice acceptance, to understand each other, to finally BREAK THIS DAMN CYCLE, he pulled the rug out from under me. I don't know if I will every fully understand why. We were making progress, the kind of progress that takes TIME. And now it is all gone. It leaves me feeling more empty than I have ever ever felt before. I am definitely grieving, I lost my best friend. And though it seemed at times that we were quite possibly not friends, we totally were. The kind of friends that even hurt each other but always try to make it right in the end. The disappointment of destroyed hopes and dreams is really really heavy to carry sometimes.
Meditation.....principles of Buddhism, Letting Go, Acceptance, Observing, Sitting, Stillness, Beauty, Laughter, Friends, Children, Nature, Animals, etc, etc are all things to help me get through. I am grateful for the many beautiful things that are still in my life. I am sorry when I allow them to be clouded. I don't beat myself up over it though. If it is one thing I have learned that I have to be kind to myself when I experience some of the emotions that I do. No judgement, just let it be.
Lessons learned. I have struggled and struggled and struggled with the whole choosing love philosophy, loving kindness, mindfulness. What does it mean? What does it mean in regards to divorce? And finally I think I have landed somewhere firm. Finally. Because I still love this man dearly, I have wanted to treat him well. It has not been easy for me. The hurt, pain, betrayal have taken over more times than not. And FINALLY, I am okay with that. Because at the end of it all, I have to love myself first. And finally I realized that showing Loving Kindness towards someone does not mean that you give them exactly what they want. Sometimes perhaps the most loving thing you can do is to give them exactly what they don't want. That is how on my good days I choose to view this. He is giving me exactly what I don't want and in the moment it is so so so so hard, but the beautiful thing is that I have NO IDEA what the future holds. It could be ANYTHING. It can be whatever I make it to be. I get a restart. And while it is easiest for me to look back with regret and wish it wasn't so, wish that we could have had a beautiful future together....I don't have that choice anymore. So what other choice can I make? My hope is that it's something beautiful!
And I have also learned that it's okay if he hates me in the end. I have tried to preserve the good thoughts of me, but in doing what is right and healthy for me, it may not allow for that and its okay.
