Get over your hill

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

Somewhere....

 

Somewhere there has to be the other half of me.

The Bitter and the Sweet!

 

The hardest moments for me are also some of the sweetest.  It's no lie that my kiddos are suffering.  They put on a good mask most of the time and I'm so proud of them for that.  I try and reinforce that it is OKAY for them to have FUN, to ENJOY LIFE.  That's what I want the most for them.  I tell them it's also okay to be sad.

In the quiet moments, usually the quiet moments of the night,  sometimes they will crawl into my bed in tears.  I just put them to bed with laughs and giggles so I'm always somewhat surprised.  They are so lonely for their family......to be whole.  All I can offer is that we will all get through this.  In time it will get better.  We will establish a "new" family and we will THRIVE because we are STRONG!  Of course we will have our moments of tears but in the end LOVE will win.

I'm the product of a divorce.  I've spoken to many many other people who are products of a divorce.  The one thing that almost all of them have said is that they wished their parents would get back together.  It was their wish on a star, their Christmas wish.  I wish I could take away their pain.  But since I can't I hope that I can teach them to be resilient.  To give them tools to learn how to cope with the big things in their lives.  I've heard it said we as parents are sure to mess up our kids lives, but if we can give them those tools to cope then we have done our job.

So the bitter moments where I wish my kids could just be kids and not have to worry about any of this crap.  Well they do have some sweetness in there too.  The clinginess equals snuggles & hugs, the sadness equals some pretty good talks.  

I am SO BLESSED.  Motherhood is amazing!

Forgiveness

Working on Forgiveness.

Last night while at my Sangha (meditation group), we listened to a guided meditation on forgiveness.  I always laugh a little when the universe sends me these lessons at exactly the right time.

The meditation was on forgiving yourself and forgiving others.  I think both are very important.  Especially forgiving yourself because without that the other won't work.

The beautiful thing that Tara Brach said in this meditation was that if we are not ready to forgive, that we just don't have it in us at this time that we can say "I have the intention to forgive."

So while I am still hurting like crazy and have forgiven in some ways, today I have to say

I have the intention to forgive. 

Check the guided meditation out here,

http://www.tarabrach.com/audio/2011-10-10-MonPM-Forgiveness-Practice-TaraBrach.mp3

I peeked at her site and it looked like she had a zillion things I could listen to that would help,

http://tarabrach.com/

Carry on

The beautiful Yan Palmer shared this song on her blog, she's going through a similar life experience.  I think it's a beautiful song and it has gotten me through some difficult moments.

Carry On by Fun:

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said
We are not
We are not shining stars
This I know
Cause I never said we are

Though I’ve never been through hell like that
I’ve closed enough windows
To know you can never look back

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends
At the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
About how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I’ve been cheated on
And it’s nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don’t roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Woah
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
Cause after all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how
No one’s ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
So we’ll come
We will find our way home

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

"I'm unconsoled I'm lonely I'm so much better than I used to be"

-yan palmer

Go Fly

 

Go Fly

You who walks a different path

You who tries so hard to be you

You who are so happy

You who are so sad

You who doesn't want to suffer

You who wants to know peace

You who wants to know love

Go Fly

Go Fly

Go Fly

Please Go Fly

You who are so confused

You who are so upset

You who are so convicted

You who are so lost

Go Fly

Go Fly

You who are so loved

You who are so admired

You who are so adored

You who just wants to be you

Go Fly

Please Just Go

Please don't let your fears hold you back

Please don't let the hardness stop you

Please go become the person you were

 always meant to be

Please shine

Please love

Please work

Please serve

Please give

Please embrace your lightness

Please do, so you can know happiness

Go Fly

Go Fly 

Go Fly

Hopes, Dreams, Regrets, Lessons Learned.

I've only shared this blog with one person so I am sure that I am writing to myself.  If anyone has found this on their own and wants to send a shout out, I'd love it.

So where to start? Gosh, I feel like I am on the biggest roller coaster ever!  You know it's been years of ups and downs in marriage and feeling like I wanted to get off, to end the cycle, whatever you want to call it.  But THIS, what I've been going through since separation is SO MUCH WORSE!  One day, one hour, one moment I feel on top of the world, so strong, so capable, and so OKAY!  And then the next it is the complete opposite.  I just want to be done with the sadness.  I've been told it will lessen, that it is fewer and farther between and I hope those people are right.   Happiness is a choice they say and ya while I agree on many levels, sometimes it is just so damn hard to make that choice. 

Regrets....I wish I would have tried harder, I wish I would have cared more, I wish my children didn't have to suffer because after all they are the biggest losers here.   And oh my ANGER.  I am so pissed at him for doing this to our family.  Yes I played my part.....I wronged him many times and I am sorry for it.  I'm just so angry and so sad because I felt like just when we were starting to break through, to actually practice acceptance, to understand each other, to finally BREAK THIS DAMN CYCLE, he pulled the rug out from under me.  I don't know if I will every fully understand why.  We were making progress, the kind of progress that takes TIME.  And now it is all gone.  It leaves me feeling more empty than I have ever ever felt before.  I am definitely grieving, I lost my best friend.  And though it seemed at times that we were quite possibly not friends, we totally were.  The kind of friends that even hurt each other but always try to make it right in the end.  The disappointment of destroyed hopes and dreams is really really heavy to carry sometimes.

Meditation.....principles of Buddhism, Letting Go, Acceptance, Observing, Sitting, Stillness, Beauty, Laughter, Friends, Children, Nature, Animals, etc, etc are all things to help me get through.  I am grateful for the many beautiful things that are still in my life.  I am sorry when I allow them to be clouded.  I don't beat myself up over it though.  If it is one thing I have learned that I have to be kind to myself when I experience some of the emotions that I do.  No judgement, just let it be.

Lessons learned.   I have struggled and struggled and struggled with the whole choosing love philosophy, loving kindness, mindfulness.  What does it mean?  What does it mean in regards to divorce?  And finally I think I have landed somewhere firm.  Finally.  Because I still love this man dearly, I have wanted to treat him well.  It has not been easy for me.  The hurt, pain, betrayal have taken over more times than not.  And FINALLY, I am okay with that.  Because at the end of it all, I have to love myself first.   And finally I realized that showing Loving Kindness towards someone does not mean that you give them exactly what they want.  Sometimes perhaps the most loving thing you can do is to give them exactly what they don't want.   That is how on my good days I choose to view this.  He is giving me exactly what I don't want and in the moment it is so so so so hard, but the beautiful thing is that I have NO IDEA what the future holds.  It could be ANYTHING.  It can be whatever I make it to be.  I get a restart.  And while it is easiest for me to look back with regret and wish it wasn't so, wish that we could have had a beautiful future together....I don't have that choice anymore.  So what other choice can I make?  My hope is that it's something beautiful!

And I have also learned that it's okay if he hates me in the end.  I have tried to preserve the good thoughts of me, but in doing what is right and healthy for me, it may not allow for that and its okay.

Be Brave Enough To Break Your Own Heart!

 

I am so sad.  This is my truth. My husband left. He wants a divorce. I look back on our years of struggles.  Of up's and down's and wanting out's and realize it's not what I want at all.  Ya so times were tough, emotions were raw and we really changed.  We changed each other.  We pushed and we pulled and we found ourselves at odds.  I pushed too much.  I cared too little.  I thought things mattered when really they didn't matter at all.  And what I didn't think mattered, really mattered.  I took a life for granted.  At the end of the day I really took three lives for granted.  Now I sit in reflection and feel, oh how I FEEL every bit of it.  I can see where I've grown and where I hope to grow more.  I can see that I've let fear rule my life  and that it often (mostly) still does even though I want love to prevail.  I struggle nearly everyday with what to do.  I don't know how to let go, but I really don't have a choice do I?  I mourn the loss of my little family.  I mourn the loss of a man that though he could make me nearly see red at times and lonely beyond measure is so good and so beautiful at his core that people are drawn to him.  He never once stopped making my heart flutter when he entered a room.  How did I take that for granted?  My answer is that I have NO idea.  I guess I was dumb enough to make the assumption that we really would be there through good times and bad times.  I guess there can only be so many bad times before a person has had enough.  I really can't blame him, I just want to.

The truth is that we both did things to destroy our marriage.  We both took it for granted.  We both pursued our own path instead of walking together. The truth is that I am every bit as responsible for messing up my kids lives as he is.  And the truth is that I am so damn sorry about it.  And the even bigger truth is that I will keep messing it up. :(  I have grown no doubt, I have learned things I never would have imagined.  I know that I yet have so far to go.  The path seems clear but so gosh dang riddled with obstacles that I find myself tripping with every step.  The end goal is LOVE.  The path is Letting Go. And that my friend is the scariest, saddest thing I think I have ever had to face.  And yet I hear there is something so beautiful on the other side of it.  Why can't I let go for that?  Why are my claws dug so deep in the dirt they are bleeding?  Why am I not brave enough to break my own heart?

I think there is something to be said for the 5 stages of grief.  Will I ever get to that 5th stage?  Acceptance?  If so, then maybe, maybe I can break my own heart.  For now, I will do the best that I can.  I will count myself lucky to have known love.  I will regret not having cared for it as I should have.  And hopefully, HOPEFULLY I will learn from it so if I ever have the chance to know love again, I will know exactly what to do.

To the man who took a chance on me and who gave me the 2 most beautiful gifts in my life, I hope that you can really forgive me one day.  I know you say you do already, I just hope that you truly can.  I came across this prayer in a book called Illuminata, the first time I read it, it crushed me like no other.  I hope one day it can be 100% sincere.  It feels like it's getting closer, but as with everything else it is hard.  I love you and I'm sorry.

Dear God,

In releasing this man, I surely feel as though my heart is crushed.

I feel as though a limb is gone, a piece of my self now ripped away.

I pray, dear God, for the power to love him so totally that I shall not be in pain.

For my love, I know, shall set me free.

Let me not be tempted to try to constrict him, either in my actions or my thoughts.

May he fly free.

May I appreciate the rightness of his need to travel.

May I keep my faith in the wisdom of all things.

May I learn to respect his choices to go where he needs to go.

If he finds another love, may that love flourish, for Your sake.

For truly, the arc of love is a blessing on us all.

Wherever he goes, dear Lord, please go with him.

May he be blessed in all his doings.

Please protect him.

Bring him joy.

May he always be happy.

May he always be loved.

May he find his way.

Amen.

Live In Love

 

I have amazing friends!  They are aware of my journey of "Choosing Love".  One of them gave me this bracelet as a reminder.  It says Live in Love!   I ♥ it!

Let Go or Be Dragged

I have a problem with holding on to crap!  To my crap and quite often to other peoples crap!  My life coach told me to write on my mirror.

LET GO OR BE DRAGGED

I feel like I am making progress in this department.....FINALLY!  It feels good!

p.s. I have a lot of stuff written on my bathroom mirror! ;) 

Conversations with God

I have intended to write more with this blog but as usual I get going about my day and don't make the time!  I have been reading the Conversations with God books and there have been so many passages that I have meant to log here and haven't.  I couldn't let this one go though, it is more a summary of sorts and I want to have it here to read over when I need to!

•Life is an ongoing process of creation.
•A secret of all Masters is to stop changing one's mind; keep choosing the same thing.
•Don't take no for an answer.
• We "call forth" what we think, feel, and say.
•Life can be a process of creation or reaction.
•The soul creates, the mind reacts.
•The soul understands what the mind cannot conceive.
•Stop trying to figure out what is "best" for you (how you can win the most, lose the least, get what you want) and start going with what feels like Who You Are.
•Your feelings are your truth.  What is best for you is what is true for you.
•Thoughts are not feelings; rather, they are ideas of how you "should" feel.  When thoughts and feelings get confused, truth becomes clouded, lost.
•To get back to your feelings, be out of your mind and get back to your senses.
•Once you know your truth, live it.
•Negative feelings are not true feelings at all; rather, they are your thoughts about something, based always on the previous experience of yourself and others.
•Previous experience is no indicator of truth, since Pure Truth is created  here and now, not reenacted.
•To change your response to anything, be in the present (that is, the "pre-sent") moment - the moment that was sent to you and was what it was before you had a thought about it...In other words, Be Here Now, not in the past or the future.
•The past and the future can exist only in thought.  The Pre-sent Moment is the Only Reality. Stay there!
•Seek and you shall find.
•Do whatever it takes to stay connected with God/Goddess/Truth.  Don't stop the practices, the prayers, the rituals, the meditations, the readings, the writings, the "whatever works" for you to stay in touch with All That Is.