I am so sad. This is my truth. My husband left. He wants a divorce. I look back on our years of struggles. Of up's and down's and wanting out's and realize it's not what I want at all. Ya so times were tough, emotions were raw and we really changed. We changed each other. We pushed and we pulled and we found ourselves at odds. I pushed too much. I cared too little. I thought things mattered when really they didn't matter at all. And what I didn't think mattered, really mattered. I took a life for granted. At the end of the day I really took three lives for granted. Now I sit in reflection and feel, oh how I FEEL every bit of it. I can see where I've grown and where I hope to grow more. I can see that I've let fear rule my life and that it often (mostly) still does even though I want love to prevail. I struggle nearly everyday with what to do. I don't know how to let go, but I really don't have a choice do I? I mourn the loss of my little family. I mourn the loss of a man that though he could make me nearly see red at times and lonely beyond measure is so good and so beautiful at his core that people are drawn to him. He never once stopped making my heart flutter when he entered a room. How did I take that for granted? My answer is that I have NO idea. I guess I was dumb enough to make the assumption that we really would be there through good times and bad times. I guess there can only be so many bad times before a person has had enough. I really can't blame him, I just want to.
The truth is that we both did things to destroy our marriage. We both took it for granted. We both pursued our own path instead of walking together. The truth is that I am every bit as responsible for messing up my kids lives as he is. And the truth is that I am so damn sorry about it. And the even bigger truth is that I will keep messing it up. :( I have grown no doubt, I have learned things I never would have imagined. I know that I yet have so far to go. The path seems clear but so gosh dang riddled with obstacles that I find myself tripping with every step. The end goal is LOVE. The path is Letting Go. And that my friend is the scariest, saddest thing I think I have ever had to face. And yet I hear there is something so beautiful on the other side of it. Why can't I let go for that? Why are my claws dug so deep in the dirt they are bleeding? Why am I not brave enough to break my own heart?
I think there is something to be said for the 5 stages of grief. Will I ever get to that 5th stage? Acceptance? If so, then maybe, maybe I can break my own heart. For now, I will do the best that I can. I will count myself lucky to have known love. I will regret not having cared for it as I should have. And hopefully, HOPEFULLY I will learn from it so if I ever have the chance to know love again, I will know exactly what to do.
To the man who took a chance on me and who gave me the 2 most beautiful gifts in my life, I hope that you can really forgive me one day. I know you say you do already, I just hope that you truly can. I came across this prayer in a book called Illuminata, the first time I read it, it crushed me like no other. I hope one day it can be 100% sincere. It feels like it's getting closer, but as with everything else it is hard. I love you and I'm sorry.
Dear God,
In releasing this man, I surely feel as though my heart is crushed.
I feel as though a limb is gone, a piece of my self now ripped away.
I pray, dear God, for the power to love him so totally that I shall not be in pain.
For my love, I know, shall set me free.
Let me not be tempted to try to constrict him, either in my actions or my thoughts.
May he fly free.
May I appreciate the rightness of his need to travel.
May I keep my faith in the wisdom of all things.
May I learn to respect his choices to go where he needs to go.
If he finds another love, may that love flourish, for Your sake.
For truly, the arc of love is a blessing on us all.
Wherever he goes, dear Lord, please go with him.
May he be blessed in all his doings.
Please protect him.
Bring him joy.
May he always be happy.
May he always be loved.
May he find his way.
Amen.
